The struggles with my health really weighed me down
Photo credit: Jo Jackson
May 9, 2022
For most of my time in elementary school, I was very thin. So thin in fact, I could hardly fit in a children’s size small. When I was nine years old, I only weighed about 70 pounds.
Once I was ten, I started to gain weight rapidly, and my doctors were left puzzled. For a long time, I was told that the issue might be a condition called Hypothyroidism, which is caused by decreased thyroid hormones and can cause fatigue, weight gain, increased blood cholesterol levels, dry skin, hair loss and muscle weakness, in addition to several other issues. I went to many doctors, and they all told me that my thyroid is abnormally large, which could signify a thyroid cyst or nodule, inflammation or a decrease in thyroid hormone production. However, though my thyroid was certainly larger than normal, it wasn’t large enough to where my doctors could do anything about it. After I was told there was nothing they could do about my thyroid, they suggested that I eat healthier, and the problem with my weight gain would resolve.
In the days after that appointment, I was feeling particularly sensitive about my body. I still get like that every time I come out of a doctor’s appointment because I’m told the same thing — I’m eating too much and I need to seriously consider what is happening to my body. When I came to school a couple of days after the appointment, I had brought a salad for lunch, and my friend questioned my sudden healthy choice for lunch..
“Why are you only eating a salad?” a confused friend asked.
“I shouldn’t really be eating burgers and nachos anymore,” I said.
“Why?” they asked.
“Because they have a lot of sugar and I’m at a really high risk for diabetes,” I informed them.
“Isn’t anyone at risk for diabetes?” They asked, without thinking much of the question.
I was appalled by the question, as it hurt so much to hear that from a close friend. It’s not uncommon for diabetics to receive questions like these, as people who are not educated about the condition assume all blame falls upon a person for their diet and exercise, while it’s much more complex than that. I knew my friend wasn’t trying to be mean by asking the question, and that it was mainly out of ignorance and misunderstanding of the disease. But, it still hurt.
Whenever I was told to eat better, that made me think there was something wrong with me. There were a couple times when I would eat healthy for one day because I was scared of what my doctor’s were telling me about my health. After that day I would go back to eating unhealthy food because when I ate healthy it felt like I was the only one suffering from health issues, and I convinced myself there wasn’t a problem, so I ignored it. It got worse. Since I didn’t eat healthier, by age 13, I was told I had high cholesterol and was diagnosed with pre-diabetes. I finally started listening to their advice, and by my next doctor’s appointment my blood sugar and cholesterol levels were back to normal. I had even lost a few pounds. I thought that my body’s return to normal meant I could go back to eating unhealthily, because there was no longer a problem. That was false. There definitely was a problem, and this time it was worse.
Other issues with my weight sent me to an endocrinologist, a doctor who specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of hormone-related diseases and conditions. They gave me a couple of blood tests and ultrasounds, and the results showed that my thyroid wasn’t the cause of my issues with weight. However, when they reviewed my ultrasounds, they did find cysts on my ovaries, which explained the issues I was having. In 2021, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, a disease that begins to affect a person once they hit puberty, which started for me when I was ten years old. When the doctor explained what PCOS was, I was distraught to hear there was no treatment for this disease. Birth control is an option to help with the acne and weight gain symptoms, which is what I’m currently taking to combat this condition. Making lifestyle changes such as improving your eating habits and exercising more can also help. There’s no cure for PCOS, so if you have it, you’re stuck with it.
At this same doctor, I once again was told that I have pre-diabetes. But, this time, my blood sugar levels were so high I was practically a type-2 diabetic. I had insulin resistance in the back of my knees, in the bend of my elbows, my neck and my face. I was put on a medication called Metformin, an anti-diabetic medication that helps to lower blood sugar levels. The medication helped get my blood sugar levels a little under control. I went back to my doctor a few months later, and they told me if I didn’t get my weight under control and change my eating habits, I would develop Type 2 diabetes, which there’s no cure for. This was a wakeup call for me to actually start taking care of myself because I didn’t want to live with Type 2 diabetes for the rest of my life, knowing that I could have prevented it from happening.
Once, I was having an argument with my mom following another doctor’s appointment with disappointing news.
“You need to start eating healthy, Joleigh,” she said to me angrily.
“Why should I have to eat healthy when this wasn’t even my fault,” I snapped.
“Because do you want to end up with diabetes, getting insulin shots in your arm every day?” she asked, trying to scare me.
I get that she was just concerned about my health, and wants what’s best for me. But, there’s a way to talk to someone, especially when it comes to their bodies. It’s not right to just try to scare someone into wanting to eat healthy. If anything, it made me not want to go on a diet anymore than I already didn’t.
Doctors have constantly told me that I need to go on a diet and the reason why I never went on a diet or changed my lifestyle, up until recently, was because I didn’t want to be limited to what I could eat. But, I knew that if I didn’t make a change, I would be setting myself up for a miserable life. It’s taken a lot of Googling and willpower, but I’ve found a diet that’s been working really well for me. I am limited to eating 130 carbohydrates a day, which is about one-third of the normal amount. I drink a lot of water, as it helps slow the rise of blood sugar levels. I try to incorporate more fruits, starchy vegetables and fiber into my diet. There are a lot of foods that I no longer eat because of the high amounts of sugar, but I still slip snacks into my diet whenever possible.
It hasn’t been easy with this diet. Sometimes, I feel like I have no control over my body. I have shed a lot of tears as I am constantly thinking about what I can’t eat, or worrying about whether the food that’s in front of me is going to raise my blood sugar too high. I’ve also cried because I don’t understand why this is happening to me when the problem with my ovaries wasn’t my fault. Since diabetes has a combination of genetic and environmental factors, I often think about why I should have to change my lifestyle. I can’t control my genes. How was I supposed to know that diabetes can be passed on? I just wanted to be a kid. All I wanted to eat was Pop-Tarts and fruit snacks, and lay in my bed and watch TV like other kids. I didn’t want to eat broccoli or carrots, and go to the gym to work out five days a week.
With this diet, I’ve also had insecurities about my body that I’ve ignored for a long time, because I didn’t want to come to the realization that I was bigger. But, I’ve come to learn along the way that there is no such thing as one perfect body or size, because every size and shape is beautiful. That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with my weight. There are days I feel fat and ugly, but realizing that there’s no such thing as perfect has helped me feel more comfortable in my own skin. While there have been difficult parts to this diet and my journey toward self-love, nobody ever said it would be a walk in the park.
My constant changes in weight have made me reflect on why I think my body needs to be a certain way. Growing up, girls are taught they need to have a specific kind of body to be beautiful, but that’s not true. There are so many different body types, and no person should be expected to look the same. I’m never going to have picture-perfect curves and flawless skin, and that’s okay, because I’m perfect just the way I am. I love that even though I’ve gone through some of the most depressing times of my life, because of PCOS I’m still my fun, goofy, and weird self. I have learned so much from myself and my diseases, and I have so much more self-discovery to unveil.
